Maks surged past 1000 grams today and doubled his birth weight! He is getting to be a little blonde chunk. He also had a major bowel movement last night and another one this morning. Hallelujah! We are always excited to see that system working. :)
A few things happening right now that are causing me stress: Maks is requiring quite a bit more oxygen to maintain his saturations in the desired range, and his direct bilirubin is quite elevated in his last labs, so they are going to start giving him a medication called Actigall. TPN causes things to build up in the liver. If left there over long periods of time, they start to do damage. Phototherapy lights help get rid of the indirect bilirubin, but medication is required to get rid of the direct bilirubin. He will be getting the Actigall twice a day until his labs resolve and his direct bilirubin goes back to normal.
It seems as if everything is starting to stress me out. Every little thing that goes wrong is somehow magnified in my mind. Elevated bilirubin leads to liver disease and neurological issues; if he misses a bowel movement for a day or two, he is automatically not tolerating the breast milk; and increased oxygen needs now means he will come home on oxygen. Logically, I know that isn't necessarily the case, but emotionally, that is all I see.
It is even starting to get stressful when I hold Maks. I hate that I'm not the best thing for him. If he does well when I hold him, I am fine, but as soon as he starts fussing or desatting, even if just a little, I want to put him back in the incubator where I know he will be comfortable on his belly. I can't just feed him or cuddle him or swaddle him to make him better, and that is a hard thing for a mommy.
I know that Maks is doing well and beating lots of odds, and I know I need to accept the fact that my life is just going to be a little more complicated than I expected it to be, but that is so much easier said than done. The shock of everything has pretty much worn off, and now I just have a bunch of stress and "what ifs" ruminating in my mind.
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Now that you have come SO far with little Maks, I am sure your mind is going crazy thinking "too much" about everything! No one can take your place and I'm sure that is exhausting mentally and physically. Just know so many people are praying for you! When Ron saw his picture the other day he said "WOW! I can't believe how he has grown! He is so cute! But I wouldn't go so far as to call him chubby!! haha
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