Day 42

Maks is having another good day. They started adding a fortifier to the breast milk to help with his growth. I personally cringe at the idea of this because I am all about all-natural, breast-fed newborns, and the fortifier is artificial, but I just keep telling myself that his tiny body needs the nourishment, and he has had lots of artificial things keeping him alive up to this point. Hopefully it will be easy on his system and not cause him any problems. They also started adding iron to his multivitamin, and he got the Synagis injection today, which is an antibody he receives monthly to protect him against RSV.

I was able to help give him a bath this morning, and since he no longer has the PICC line, he actually got to get in the basin of water. I don't think it was his favorite, but he is now all clean! After I washed his hair, it was all fuzzy and cute. I finally caught a good picture of his wavy, blonde hair. He has so much!


People keep asking me how I am doing, and I usually just say that I am fine. Sometimes I really am okay, but I definitely have my moments. Tonight we took my sister Lindsay and her husband Mark up to the hospital because Mark has never seen Maks before. I hate how anticlimactic it is sometimes when I go to the hospital. We drove all the way there, walked in, washed up, went into his room, and yet all we could do was stand there and look at him through the incubator. I didn't even get to hold him today because I felt like it would be too much stimulation for him since he had a bath. I was so unbelievably involved and dedicated with Milyn. I can't tell you how many books and articles I read on proper sleeping habits and eating habits, what to do and what not to do, etc. I was a pro, and I probably stressed about everything a little too much. With Maks, however, I can't do anything; I have no say in his care; I have no say in his schedule; I literally control nothing, and I sometimes feel like I have nothing to offer him because the staff does everything for him.

Now, I know they are doing a fantastic job, and I am not complaining about that. I also know that there is no way I could take care of my son if he was home with me right now. He needs to be where he is, and I understand that. It is just hard! Life is hard right now, and it is about to get even harder and more complicated with work starting on Monday. I don't even remember what I do for work. It has been so long, and it has just not been on my priority list. I have no idea how I am going to do it without becoming completely exhausted running from one thing to the next. I am nervous and scared.

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