Day 27

Another good day for Maksim! We are down again slightly on his CPAP settings and up to 3ml every 3 hours on his breast milk. I got to hold him today for over an hour and a half! He did so well, and I got to sing to him, and look at him, and just enjoy being his mom. He was wide awake for quite a while, and then he fell asleep! It was so cute.

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Day 26

This is the most "normal" I have yet to feel with Maksim. I was finally able to just hold him and look at him! It was such an amazing feeling. I actually started crying because I needed that feeling of normalcy so much. Look at how adorable he is with all of that blonde hair! I even took a video of him. It is kind of long, but I had to post it. It is hard to tell what he is doing at first; his head starts shaking, and if you listen closely, you can hear a little sneeze. It was a little bright, so he was having a hard time getting his eyes open, but you can get a few glimpses of his beautiful eyes!

Today Maks weighs 765 grams or 1 lb 11 oz. It is an improvement, but it feels like he should be gaining weight faster. He is up to 2ml every 3 hours, which is such a small amount. To put it into perspective, there are 5ml in one teaspoon, so he just isn't getting very much. He is still getting the TPN (artificial nutrition given through his veins), but we need to eventually get rid of that. The nurse told me that in order to get rid of the TPN, Maks would have to be getting 14ml for each feeding! We sure have a long ways to go. Please pray that his digestive tract will start tolerating the feedings well. The doctor said his intolerance is likely due to his "rough start to life." When a body has so much stress at first, as Maks' did, with having to be resuscitated for so long, blood is shunted to vital organs like the heart and the brain. Unfortunately, blood goes away from the gut to support those organs, kind of shuts down, and sometimes even begins to atrophy. His little gut just needs time to rejuvenate.

On a more positive note, he is down a little on his oxygen/CPAP settings, and he did well when I got to hold him today. He also had a bowel movement today, which we are hoping is a good sign that he is tolerating the breast milk! Regardless of being small, he looks bigger and stronger every day! Thanks for all of the prayers. Please keep them coming in Maks' behalf!

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Day 25

Today it hurts. I long so badly to hold Maks whenever I want with no cords or tubes, no machines or monitors, getting in the way. I don't want to hear beeping, I don't want to worry about numbers, I just want to hold my baby boy and rock him to sleep! At church on Sunday, someone was holding a baby on the same row I was sitting on, and it is unreal the desire I had to just take that baby and snuggle it. That is what I am missing right now, snuggles.

I was reading through the blog posts I kept during Milyn's first year yesterday. I was so good at writing at least one post a month with a comparison picture of her next to her teddy bear. It was fun to see her changing and growing, but it was almost too much for me. I long for that normalcy, and I feel like I am missing out on so much with Maks because I only get to see him for a few hours every day. I can't even take a picture of him next to a stuffed animal because he can't have anything in the incubator with him from "the outside world." Everyone in the NICU, nurses, doctors, and therapists, are doing a fabulous job. I don't have complaints about them, I just want normalcy!

I have all these things I should be doing as a new mom; I should be eating, sleeping, and breathing baby right now. Instead, I have all this "energy" for things I should be doing and no baby to put the energy into. I am sure anyone who has had a baby in the NICU can relate to this; to not knowing what to do with these motherly instincts that can't currently be satisfied. It is very unnerving.

Maks is having another good day. He is tolerating the small amount of breast milk well, but they want to wait to increase it to give his gut more time to adjust. That is totally okay with me. I say give him time and go slowly! His belly is still soft today, and the MD said his bowel sounds are great. No new meds, and no changes to his meds. He looks great, and he is getting so big. One of the night nurses hasn't had him for a little over a week, and when I talked to her last night, she was just amazed at how much he has grown and changed. He really is doing well. Thanks for all of the prayers!




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Day 24

This is how I found my sweet Maksim when I went to see him this evening. He was all stretched out and comfortable, and he did this all himself. Logan calls this his touchdown pose. :) He had a pretty good day today. Not much has changed as far as orders go. The antibiotics were discontinued, and they also discontinued the probe that was monitoring his breathing and heart rate. He started breast milk today (hold your breath, cross your fingers, and say prayers that he tolerates this!). I am nervous, as usual, as we start this and hope that he doesn't have another setback as a result of it.

Dr. Jenkins started back on today. This morning during rounds, he said, "You know, upon physical assessment... He is a cute kid! He is very healthy and cute." I don't know what I expected him to say, but I was pleasantly surprised to hear that!

The PICC line in his right foot went bad this afternoon, but luckily they were able to get a new one put in his left arm. This evening when I was there, he had a few more bradys and desats, but he seemed to get better when the nurse put him on his belly. It sure is stressful hearing those alarms keep going off! I got to sit by him, and hold is hand, and sing all of Milyn's favorite songs to him (Twinkle twinkle little star, I love to see the temple, and Jesus wants me for a sunbeam). He seemed to like that, and he even kept his heart rate and oxygen up while I did it.

I need to give a shout out to my mom today on her birthday! She has always been such a strength in my life, and I don't know what I would be doing right now without her. She even watched Milyn this morning on her birthday while I went to the NICU to be with Maks! I love you, mom! Thanks for everything!

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Day 23

Another good day for Maksim! I even got to hold my sweet boy today. His X-rays have continued to look good, and they are planning to discontinue the antibiotics and restart the breast milk tomorrow. I am always hesitant when they start the feedings because it seems that everything seems to go south when they do. However, I know it is necessary and good for him, and his little body will one day get used to it.

He really is getting stronger, and he has continued to do well on the CPAP. He has a blue chin strap on that helps with his oxygenation. It makes him look kind of uncomfortable, but it keeps his mouth closed to improve his oxygenation. I love when he has his eyes opened, so I took another video of him today. The lighting is horrible, but you can still see some cute smiles and is big eyes!

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Day 22

Maks had a really good day today! He is continuing to respond well to the ventilator, and his abdominal X-rays looked "much better" according to Dr. Anschutz. They put him on another respiratory monitor that measures the signals his brain sends to his body to stimulate his heart and respiratory rates. I'm not sure exactly how it works, but it is very amazing. Basically, they are using it to determine how much the ventilator is helping him, and how much he is doing on his own, so they can determine the best way to wean him from the ventilator.

It must have shown some pretty positive things, because this afternoon Maks was taken off the ventilator and put back on the bubble CPAP. And all of his blood gas labs looked amazing, which means he is tolerating the change well! He also had another large bowel movement last night! Woohoo! He is still NPO today, and he is getting his antibiotics. Logan and I went to see him this evening, and he was wide awake again! We got to help weigh him, and he weighs 1 lb 10 oz! We are approaching the two pound mark! I am sure he will continue to fluctuate, but it is still exciting to see how he has grown.

Since I haven't been able to hold him the past couple of days, it is really nice to see him with his eyes open to see how he interacts with us. I have no idea how much he can hear or see (I know it is not much), but it sure melts my heart to see his eyes looking in my direction in response to my voice. He is so sweet, and I pray for him to get stronger every day.

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Day 21

Maks is having a better day today. He has responded well to the ventilator and has had significantly less episodes of bradys and desats. All of his labs came back normal. A couple of small air pockets were seen on his abdominal X-ray, so Dr. Anschutz changed the antibiotic to a stronger one in an effort to ward off the potential threat of necrotizing enterocolitis. He will remain on the antibiotics for at least three days.

Maks had a big bowel movement last night and again this morning. That is such great news, and hopefully it is a good sign that he will continue to be able to regulate his bowels. The Anderson tube on suction also helped, and his abdominal girth has been greatly reduced. The Anderson was pulled this morning, and he was put back on a regular oral gastric tube. Unfortunately he is NPO for another three days.

They will continue to check labs and X-rays every day, and we pray that these remain unremarkable. We also pray he continues to respond well to the treatments that are initiated.

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Day 20

Stressful stressful day in the NICU! When I got there this morning, Maks was having lots of "episodes" of bradys and desats. His hematocrit was low, so Dr. Anschutz ordered a blood transfusion of packed red blood cells. Premies have immature organs, and red blood cells, which are produced in the bone marrow, are released in response to the hormone erythropoietin, which is produced by the kidneys. His kidneys just can't keep up right now. This is a very common problem for premies to have until their organs are older and more developed. Your hematocrit is a measurement of the ratio of red blood cells to total blood volume. Red blood cells carry oxygen. A transfusion helps prevent episodes, because when your hematocrit is low, you lack energy and oxygen-carrying capacity, hence the decreased oxygenation and decreased drive to breathe. Therefore, we were hopeful that the blood transfusion would help prevent episodes. Sorry, again for the physiology lesson...
Other orders today were for decreased breast milk feedings, and a larger glycerine enema to he given one time, then a discontinuation of the previous order for enemas every 12 hours. I left this morning when the new IV was being put in for the blood.
When I came back to the hospital at 5, Maks was having a really hard time. The blood had completed transfusing, and it had clearly not helped reduce his episodes. He was now having periods of bradycardia, desaturating, and apnea (not breathing). This had been going on repeatedly, and for over an hour, the nurses had been at his bedside stimulating him to breathe. He just couldn't keep up. They called the nurse practitioner in, and lots of new orders were written. I was sad when they made the decision to put him back on the ventilator. Luckily they didn't have to intubate him with an endotracheal tube. He remained on the nasal cannula with the ventilator settings. I had been so hopeful that he would be able to remain off the ventilator, but his tiny body just couldn't keep up.
Other things that were ordered include placement of another Anderson tube on low intermittent suction to help reduce the amount of air in his belly; he was placed NPO (nothing by mouth) again; another chest X-ray and lots of labs were done to rule out infection; his caffeine dose was increased to help stimulate his drive to breathe; and he was started on a couple of antibiotics just in case there is an infection.
The chest X-ray looked good, other than his belly being full or air, but we will have to wait until tomorrow for the results of the blood work. Maks was responding well to the ventilator, and when Logan and I left this evening, he was finally resting comfortably.
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Day 19

Not much has changed for Maks today. He is on all of the same medications and TPN. His poor belly is still full of air, but he seems to be doing okay. I got to hold him today for about an hour, and he tolerated it really well. He didn't have any bradycardia episodes. He had a few desats, but he came out of them quickly on his own. Towards the end of the time I was holding him, he was starting to get really comfortable. He was laying kind of sideways across my chest, and he kept looking up at me. It was so cute and special. I wish I could have somehow captured that moment.


When I went to see him this evening, he was wide awake. The nurse had just changed his diaper and checked his temperature. I got a picture of him and took a video. Of course i think every second in the video is amazing because he is my son. :) If you watch it, you will see a couple of little smiles. And look at those big beautiful eyes! I also wish that pictures and video would do his head full of blonde hair justice. He is such a little toe head!

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Day 18

We are seeing some more progress today with Maks, but his poor belly is just so distended. It looks so uncomfortable, and it makes me feel so sorry for him. He is up to 3ml every 3 hours on the breast milk feedings. He is also getting the glycerine suppositories every 12 hours, but he hasn't had a bowel movement since yesterday evening. I just wish his little body and organs could figure out this whole digestion thing, so he doesn't get so gassy and full of air. He is still on the TPN, and he gets caffeine and diflucan. Other than that, he isn't on any other medications.

He currently has the PICC line in his right foot and the peripheral IV in his scalp. Today he weighs 665 grams, which is 1lb 7.5oz. I also got to hold him today, which is always exciting and special for me! I like to think that Maks enjoys it as well.

Tonight we had the special opportunity of Logan and his dad giving Maksim a Priesthood blessing of healing and promise. It was so special and comforting to hear the blessings that Heavenly Father has promised to Maksim. I know he has a purpose in this life and that he will continue to touch many people.


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Day 17

Today is Maks' day of life 17. We started seeing a little more progress today. This morning, the Anderson tube was pulled, and he was put on a regular oral gastric tube with breast milk feedings of 1ml every 3 hours. He doesn't have the Anderson tube any more, so he is no longer getting the air suctioned out of his belly. Since he does still have some air trapped in there, the MD ordered glycerine suppositories to be given every 12 hours. This has seemed to help as his belly is quite a bit less distended than yesterday. He completed the course of his antibiotics yesterday, so he is no longer receiving those. The phototherapy lights also got to be turned off today. Yay for being able to see his big beautiful eyes again!

I did not get to hold him today, but I spent a lot of time sitting next to him and holding his hand. I read him a story from the Friend and played a couple of primary songs for him. He enjoyed it for a while, but he seemed to get tired and overstimulated after several minutes. I hate so much that I don't get to carry him to full term. He should be able to listen to me read and sing without getting worn out. I just don't understand why my body wasn't enough for him. It is very difficult to see how some women seem to have no problems getting pregnant and carrying a baby. In fact, I always thought I was one of those women who was blessed with the ability to get pregnant and carry healthy babies. Now I have to worry about the possibility of never having a normal pregnancy again.

I am also worried about always comparing Maksim to Milyn. My only experience with having and raising another child is with Milyn, and she has always been Miss Perfect. I had a scheduled induction at 39 weeks; she was a healthy 7lbs 4oz; she has always been in the perfect percentages for height and weight; she is a healthy eater and never struggled with reflux or constipation; and she talks like crazy and meets physical and intellectual milestones before most of her peers. My entire perception of healthy and normal is going to have to change.

Maks truly is a miracle, and I know he has many more miracles ahead of him, but I have got to prepare myself for the challenges associated with bringing home a micro preemie. I am not enough for him. I wasn't when he was inside of me, and I won't be now that he is outside of me. Instead of me being his source of life, medications and respirators are keeping him alive. I hate medications. I rarely take any, and I see them as an absolute last resort. On the other hand, my newborn son is on a plethora of them that he literally could not live without. I am also an advocate of breast feeding, and it turns out that will not be enough to give him the nutrition and amount of calories he is going to need to catch up to his peers. All of these things are just starting to weigh on me, and I don't like it, and I don't know what to do with these emotions.

I also found out I go back to work on February 18 (the same day I have been summoned for jury duty...) This brings another stressor into the mix. How am I supposed to work full time, take care of a two year old, and visit my baby in the NICU? I am sure I will figure it out, but right now I am really wondering what Heavenly Father was thinking when he assigned this mortal task to me. I shouldn't complain, because I truly am grateful for a great job with benefits and good pay that I can do at home. It's just that when we got pregnant with Maks and bought a house, we expected a normal pregnancy with a healthy full-term baby, and an easy 6 weeks of maternity leave to adjust. Then it would be easy to return to work. Now I will be going back to work while my son is still in the NICU, and when I finally do get to bring him home, I won't have that 6 weeks of maternity leave to adjust. Things are just slightly more complicated than I anticipated...

Apparently I could go on and on because my mind has been doing way too much thinking today. I hope I haven't offended anyone with anything I have said. I struggled with whether or not I should even post these feelings, but I decided it would force me to sort through my emotions and attempt to make some sense of them. I truly am grateful to have Maks here and to witness so many miracles on his behalf. I know everything will work out the way it is supposed to; I guess it is just the unknown that has me scared.


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Sunday, January 20, 2013

The amount of support we have had since Maks' birth is truly remarkable. The blog alone gets 500-600 views per day, at least! I like to think that number translates into prayers, which means Maks is getting lots of prayers on his behalf. We have also been blessed with lots of yummy meals, Facebook messages, and phone calls and texts. I am so behind in responding to people, so please forgive me if you have messaged me and haven't heard back!

Someone friended me on Facebook whom I have never even met. It turns out her grandma is Arlene Hubble, who has lived next door to my grandma Joy for years and is a dear friend to our family. Her name is Shanna Masuisui, and her sons, Carson and Lincoln, wrote the sweetest letters to Maks. Their mom took a picture of them and posted them on Facebook. These sweet boys have never even met him, and yet they are praying for him! Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers. I know they help Maks, and I am sure they are also giving Logan and me the strength to get through this.





Maks is having another slowly-progressing day. I guess his Anderson tube got pulled out slightly, so it was in his esophagus instead of his stomach. Because of this, the air in his stomach was still there, as it had no where to go. In an effort to just clear things out and get things moving, the doctor advanced the tube back into his stomach, and ordered the Anderson to be put on low intermittent suction to help evacuate the air.

They didn't restart the breast milk today, and he is still on the ultraviolet bili lights for elevated bilirubin. Since he is getting TPN (total parenteral nutrition), which is nutrition given through an IV, his digestive system isn't being stimulated. This causes something called cholestasis, which is basically a decrease in the flow of bile (since the digestive system is not stimulating it), leading to elevated levels of serum bilirubin. Hence the need for the UV lights. Okay, so I'm sure you all wanted that physiology lesson. Sorry about that!

Today is his last day of the antibiotics, and they discontinued the Lasix (I didn't even know he was still on a diuretic, but it turns out he was). He had a sweet nurse today who made us a cute little card to take home with a picture of Maks with his eyes open. She also got his hand prints and foot prints on the card. I am sure you can't get a perfect idea of the actual size of them in the picture, but I'll post it anyway so you can see how cute his little hands and feet are.


Also, lots of people have been asking about his weight gain and how big he is now. Today he weighs 720 grams, which is approximately 1 lb 9 oz. when he was born, he weighed 1 lb 2 oz. I know it is kind of hard to imagine his size in the pictures that I post; my sister-in-law took a picture of him today with her finger in his hand, and I think it helps to see him next to something, like a hand, that we can all relate to. He is growing, but he is still pretty darn little!


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Saturday, January 19, 2013

I can't believe Maks is 2 weeks old today. I honestly can't believe it has been that long since all of this started. Thank goodness for the good days. It seems like we are constantly taking two steps forward and one step backwards, but at least some progress is being made. We still have such a long ways to go!

Maks is looking a little better today. Things are just kind of starting to resolve from yesterday. He still has the Anderson oral gastric tube in today, but it is just open to air. I don't think they had to suck any air out of his belly today. His belly is still a little distended, and he is still having some episodes of bradycardia and desaturating. That is starting to give me anxiety when I am there with him. Listening to the alarms every time it happens makes me so nervous. I think it is just something I am going to have to get used to and desensitized to so it doesn't drive me crazy.

Unfortunately, his bilirubin was elevated today, so they had to put him back on the ultraviolet phototherapy lights to help conjugate the bilirubin. That means he has to wear the cute little sunglasses, which, unfortunately, cover his cute little eyes. Kylee and Stetson and Tiana and Tevin even came to see him today. Maybe by Monday, before Kylee and Stetson have to go back to UT, he will be done with the phototherapy, so he can show them his big beautiful eyes. They are still holding the breast milk; they are thinking about maybe starting it back tomorrow. It makes me nervous every time they start it back up or increase it. I just keep praying that his little body will adjust to it and learn to digest it.

Here he is today with his big sunglasses on.


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Friday, January 18, 2013

I might have had a mini meltdown yesterday morning when I was at the hospital. I was tired and had a headache, and I woke up late, so I was totally rushed getting out the door and getting Milyn to my mom's house so I could get to the hospital in time for rounds. Anyway, as a result of this, I called Logan and told him that I needed a break. He was kind enough to go to rounds for me before heading to work today, so Milyn and I could take things a little slower this morning. Thanks, Logan!

Unfortunately, Logan got there to discover that Maks wasn't having the best day. His belly was very distended. They had an x-ray performed, and they found his belly was very full of air. He was having lots of episodes of bradycardia and oxygen desats, which they attributed to the fact that the extra air in his belly was pushing up on his diaphragm and lungs. The doctor decided to order an "Anderson" procedure where they put a different oral gastric tube down his throat and into his belly which is used to suck air out. She then ordered a glycerine enema to help get things moving on the other end. They also stopped all breast milk feedings and made him NPO, which means "nothing by mouth." Basically, his immature digestive system just continues to have difficulty getting used to the feedings.

The things they did must have helped at least a little, because when I went to see him at 5, his belly was less distended, and he had had a good bowel movement due to the enema. They had also done a repeat x-ray, which showed that there was still quite a bit of air in his belly, but less than before, and his lungs had much more room to expand, resulting in fewer episodes of bradycardia and oxygen desaturating.

I didn't get to hold him today, but I spent a lot of time holding his hand and stroking his forehead. While I was doing this, he kept smirking at me. I swear I caught a smile on camera. Look at this cute little boy!


Tonight, my mother-in-law watched Milyn so Logan and I could go to a movie to just "get away from it all." We went to a movie, took a quick trip to the hospital to check on Maks, then picked up Milyn. When we got home, Milyn said it was her turn to say the prayer. She has never said the prayer before, but she did surprisingly well and repeated almost all of the words that Logan said. She has recently started saying "thank you," but it sounds more like "sank you." It is so cute, but I had to hold in the chuckles whenever she said it because I just think it is adorable. Anyway, we all continue to pray for Maks, and we know that prayers are being answered and miracles are being performed. We know Maks has a purpose to be here; too many miracles have occurred to get him here to deny that. Thanks to everyone who continues to pray for our Miracle Maks.

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Thursday, January 17, 2013

A friend of mine wrote me a sweet message on Facebook. She said she felt impressed to share a poem with me that her sister was given when she had a baby that spent some time in the NICU. It touched me so much, I thought I would share it.

Welcome to Holland
By Emily Perl Kingsley
C1987 By Emily Perl Kingsley. All Rights Reserved.

"When you’re going to have a baby, it’s like planning a fabulous vacation trip- to Italy. You buy a bunch of guidebooks and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It’s all very exciting.
After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, “Welcome to Holland.” “Holland?” you say, “What do you mean Holland? I signed up for Italy! I’m supposed to be in Italy. All my life I’ve dreamed of going to Italy.”
But there’s been a change in the flight plan. They’ve landed in Holland and there you must stay.
The important thing is that they haven’t taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine, and disease. It’s just a different place.
So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.
It’s just a different place. It’s slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you’ve been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.. and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills.. and Holland has tulips… Holland even has Rembrandts.
But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy… and they’re all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say, “Yes, that’s where I was supposed to go. That’s what I had planned.”
And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away… because the loss of that dream is a very, very significant loss. But… if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn’t get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things… about Holland."

So, here we are in Holland. Not quite Italy, but still beautiful nonetheless. Thanks for sharing Michelle!

Maks is having another good day! We just love when he behaves so well. :) They are continuing to slowly increase his feedings by 1ml every 24 hours, so today he is at 3ml every 3 hours. He is still on the hydrocortisone, but they are thinking that should completely tapered off within the next day or so because his blood pressure is staying up on its own. His labs have also remained good, so they are thinking about decreasing the frequency of those. That is a good thing, because every time they have a lab to draw, they have to poke his foot and really squeeze to get the blood they need. It will be much more comfortable for Maks if they don't have to do that so frequently.

In other news, I am so happy to report that my ankles get smaller every day, and I can finally see the veins in my feet! Even my face and hands feel and look better. It is such a relief to know the swelling is finally going down. It is also a relief to know that the swelling wasn't all in my imagination when I was still pregnant with Maks. I remember wondering and worrying about my sudden weight gain, but not really knowing that it was all fluid. It's nice to know that most of it was!


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Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Days are starting to get monotonous. Every night I dread going to sleep because everything just starts over the next day. Just like a new mom's life revolves around the feeding, changing, and sleeping of their new baby, my life revolves around pumping, driving to and from the hospital, and finding someone to watch Milyn (thank goodness for good friends and family). The difference is new moms get to look forward to increased time between feedings, increased length of naps, and increased interaction between mommy and baby; I'm pretty sure I will be doing this whole driving, hospital, and babysitting thing for a long time. I was thinking today that we are only a week and a half into this, I am already getting tired, and we still likely have at least 14 weeks left.

Okay, rant over. I will stop complaining, especially since today was another good day! Maks is doing great! Everything is pretty unchanged from yesterday. They did increase the tube feedings of breast milk to 2ml every 3 hours, and he looks really good! They made another unsuccessful attempt at replacing the PICC line today, which is a bummer. I guess they will try again tomorrow. I got to hold him, and thanks to the advice of a good friend, I decided to start reading to Maks when I hold him. I figure he would have had 14 more weeks of being in my belly and listening to me talk all day long, he ought to get at least a few minutes of listening to my voice. I downloaded The Friend on my iPad, and started from the beginning. I will try to read an article to him each time I hold him. Thanks for the advice, Aunt Teresa!

I didn't take any pictures today, but I decided to post a picture of his ultrasound done two weeks ago. It is just so crazy to me to see this picture, and know that he was born just a few days later.


I am so sincerely grateful for modern technology and the new NICU here in Idaho Falls. It really is state of the art, and the staff so far has been amazing. I was talking to Maks' nurse today, who has been a NICU nurse for 34 years. I asked her if she sees many "micro preemies" like Maks. She said they see more now, but 5 or 10 years ago, they would have never been able to care for a baby like Maks. I asked her if they just would have life-flighted the baby to Primary Children's in UT, and she said if the mother was threatening early delivery, they would have sent her to deliver there. If that would have been the case for us, there is a high probability that Maks would have been dead before we got there. It is just crazy to think about, and I am thankful that isn't the case. We are so grateful he is here, and we know he has a purpose.

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Tuesday, January 15, 2013

We all had a good day today! :) Especially Maksim! All of his electrolytes are finally within normal limits, and they increased his breast milk feedings to 1ml every 3 hours. They are continuing to taper off more of the medications, including the hydrocortisone, but they are going slower than before to give his body more time to adjust. He is still urinating on his own, which is very fantastic.

Maks had a positive blood bacteria culture a couple days ago, and as a standard measure, they replace PICC lines when this happens. A PICC line is a peripherally inserted central catheter. Basically, it is a more permanent IV. Maks currently has one in his right foot. They have a high risk of infection, and because of this risk, whenever there is any sign that it could be causing infection, they replace it and remove it. Because the bacteria that grew in his culture was staph, a bacteria that we all carry on our skin, it is very likely that it was a contaminant; but once again, they don't want to take any chances, so they decided to replace it. Unfortunately, they tried today and were not successful, so they will have to try again tomorrow.

I got to hold Maks again today. It is crazy to see how much his oxygen saturations improve when he has skin to skin contact with his momma! The nurse always has to come in several times to turn down the concentration of his oxygen when I am holding him. :) I sure missed being able to hold him the past couple of days.


I also had to take another picture of him opening his eyes. The nurse was taking out his arterial line, and I was stroking his head to ease the discomfort. He kept opening his eyes so widely and looking in my direction. It just made my heart melt. Logan also took a picture of him resting comfortably this evening. He had his little hand rested on his forehead. So precious. You will notice he has another IV in his head this evening. That is because he needed packed red blood cells today, and since the PICC line placement was unsuccessful, that was their only option.





Uncle Landon left today for Utah. He will enter the MTC tomorrow as a missionary. He stopped by this morning to say goodbye to Maks. It is crazy to think that he will be 2 when Landon gets home, but we look forward to skyping with him on mothers' day. Hopefully Maks will be home by then.


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Monday, January 14, 2013

What a day! What a day! Where do I start? So, yesterday I started having some pain in the back of my leg in the calf area. I clearly haven't done any strenuous exercises in the past week, and only one of my legs hurt. It kind of worried me because I worried about the possibility of a blood clot, but I figured the pain would just go away. Well, when I got up in the early morning to pump, I could hardly stand or walk, and I definitely had a positive Homan's sign (that's for all of my nursing friends). Seriously, though, it definitely hurt way worse than my c-section pain did today. Anyway, I figured I should probably call my doctor, so as soon as 8:00 rolled around, I called. I just don't trust my body right now because of everything that has gone wrong with it this week. I spoke with the nurse to see if I could just come into the office for an ultrasound of my calf. I'm not sure if they do this type of ultrasound there, but the nurse told me I should go to the emergency room to be checked out.


So, my first day back to driving (I didn't take the Percocet this morning!), and I got to take myself to the ER. I even missed Maks' rounds with the doctor and nursing staff. :( I got checked in, put on a lovely gown, and waited in a bed until the ultrasound technician came to take me to look at my leg. She did a thorough ultrasound of my ENTIRE leg, then I got back to waiting some more in the ER. I waited and waited and waited, and cried a little bit because I was sick of things going wrong, and I was worried about having a DVT (deep vein thrombosis) because I'm sure you can't nurse a baby while on blood thinners, and Maks really needs breast milk. Anyway, I had a slight breakdown moment, then pulled myself together in time for the doctor to come in and tell me that I did NOT have a DVT, but that I DID have a superficial thrombophlebitis (blood clot) in my calf muscle. Whew! All I needed to do was apply heat compresses and take Aspirin 325mg daily for a week and Motrin for the pain and inflammation. No blood thinners, and no pulmonary emboli!

So, then I went to see Maks as soon as I got out of the ER, and I was so excited to learn that he had a good night and was continuing on an upward course this morning. He got rid of the IVs in one hand and on his head because some of the medications, including the dopamine, had been discontinued. He was also urinating on his own without the help of diuretics and the renal dose of dopamine, and his labs were stabilizing. Because of all of these good things, they decided to start breast milk again, just 1ml every 6 hours. I pray and pray that his system will tolerate this without any complications! They also took another stab at weaning the hydrocortisone. Hopefully his little body is strong enough this time for all of these changes.

I didn't get to do much with him today other than just be with him, but sometimes it just helps to sit by his incubator and watch him breathe and sleep comfortably. Logan and I came back this evening to just be with him. Here is a picture of him resting; he has his feet propped up and everything.


I think I am getting desensitized to his size and the fact that he is so small. Logan and I were talking, and Milyn was about 7 times as heavy and twice as long as Maks at birth! I even remember thinking Milyn was so small when we took her home for the first time. She seemed so tiny in that car seat, but she was a giant compared to Maks!

This evening, Logan's little brother Landon was set apart as a missionary for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. We were grateful to be there, and we are so excited for him. We know he will be a great missionary in the Farmington, New Mexico mission. Milyn is going to miss him so much. She loves her Ulcle Landon, even if he is scary sometimes! :)








When we got home tonight, I had Logan help me move my breast milk from the inside freezer to the outside freezer. It was quite the site. I probably have half the milk here, with the other half being at the hospital. Maks has seriously got to start eating because we're running out of room! :)


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Sunday, January 13, 2013

When I got up this morning at 5:30 to pump, I called the NICU to see how Maks was doing. I worried about him all night. The nurse said that although the diuretic Bumex produced a small amount of urine output earlier in the morning, Malks was even more swollen than when we were there several hours before. She also said the nurse practitioner would be in early in the morning to insert another arterial line. This will help monitor his pressures again and give an easier access for labs to be drawn, so he doesn't have to be poked so many times.


The quality of this picture isn't the greatest, but this is how we found Maks this morning. The poor little guy his an arterial line in his right arm, a PICC line in his right leg, and peripheral lines in his left arm, left leg, and forehead. He has even more medications infusing this morning, with more medications and blood products coming throughout the day. I even took a picture of the overflowing IV pole.


Luckily Dr. Jenkins was there when we got there, and he came in Maks' room to update us. He said that Maks had finally started peeing with the help of the medications, and that all of his labs were finally normalizing. He seemed to think that infection didn't appear to be the current problem, including the NEC, but that all things pointed to acute renal failure. He continued to hold all breast milk feedings, and he continued most of the medications he had started the day before and probably started a few more. Maks was also to continue receiving blood and blood products today. Basically, he had a better day today than yesterday, but he is not out of the woods. His body needs to get stronger so his tiny organs can function on their own.

Thank goodness for Nana for taking care of this precious little girl today. I think she is starting to wonder when she will get to spend more time with mommy and daddy. :(





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Saturday, January 12, 2013

Don't judge me or think I am crazy. I know this next comment will probably sound weird to a lot of people, but this is how I felt, so I wanted to document it, and maybe there is someone out there who can relate to me. Around 5 am today, I got up to pump. I was tired and in a lot of pain, but I thought to myself, "thank goodness for the pain. At least it is a reminder that something did in fact happen to me." I don't know how to explain it, but this experience has all been so surreal. I feel like I am living in a weird dream, and for some reason, the pain this morning seemed to help ground me and bring me back to reality.

Anyway, on to Maks. His morning started out fairly normal. He was doing okay, but some of his labs were "off," so the doctor wanted to change a few things. They stopped weaning the hydrocortisone and increased his fluids to give his body more time to adjust to life outside of the womb.

All of this seemed okay and not too out-of-the-ordinary to me; however, when Logan and I got back in the evening to help with his cares, things had taken a turn for the worse. His labs were even worse, his calcium was really high, and he hadn't peed all day, so he was starting to swell with fluid. The doctor was worried about all sorts of things, including infection. He ordered another ultrasound of his brain, an echocardiogram, and an x-ray of his abdomen. I was concerned, due to the order for the abdomen x-ray, that they were concerned about necrotizing enterocolitis (NEC), which is very scary and often very deadly for these little preemies. All tube feedings of breast milk were also stopped, he was put on several powerful antibiotics, the dopamine was started again in an attempt to perfuse his kidneys, and he was getting more blood and plasma transfusions. While we were there, the nurses had to lancet his foot several times in an attempt to get a blood sample for more labs. It was very emotional to see his tiny, helpless body and his precious face endure the pain. All I could do was hold his tiny hand and stroke his forehead. I couldn't hold in the tears. I was so scared. All sorts of scenarios ran through my head about what could be wrong and how no matter what it was, there was nothing I could do about it.

Logan and I stayed with him until about 11:30 that night. By the time we left, we knew a few things: his brain ultrasound and echocardiogram had come back normal and unchanged, his abdominal x-ray was also normal, he still had no urinary output, and his labs were still out of whack. Although we were not completely at ease with these findings, Maks was now resting comfortably, and we felt okay to go home and get some sleep so we could come back at least somewhat rested in the morning.

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Friday, January 11, 2013

Maks woke up to another good day. He was doing so well, the antibiotics were all stopped, the IV in his hand was pulled, and they started weaning the hydrocortisone. He also had his 7 day brain ultrasound, which he passed with flying colors! So grateful for no brain bleeds!


Logan got to help me hold him today. He had never heard him cry, so he took this video of the nurse helping me get him settled. You can hear his tiny little cry if you listen closely.

When Logan and I came back in the evening, we got to help with his cares. We changed his diaper, cleaned and suctioned his mouth, gave him a little sponge bath, and just enjoyed looking at him and being with him. Logan was playing with him, and Maks kept opening his eyes. I took a quick video so everyone can see that both of his eyes are now unfused, and he is loving being able to open them.

We are so thankful for all of the prayers and for the miracles we see every day.
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Thursday, January 10, 2013

Lots of great things happened today, and it stared right when I got to the hospital in the morning. During morning rounds with the neonatologist, nurse practitioner and care team, they told me I get to hold Maks for the first time! I don't think I expected to be able to do that so soon, but I was so excited! I had to get one of the nurses to take a picture of this priceless moment. Look how tiny he is! I was definitely nervous because he is so small, but I was just so happy and relieved to finally hold him. I also got to hear him cry for the first time. It is such a little cry, but it is strong, and I know his lungs are getting stronger.


During rounds, the doctor also said that he was going to start breast milk feedings at 1ml every 6 hours. It doesn't seem like much at all, but it is something. Another exciting thing was finding out that one of his eyes had become unfused and was starting to open! He kept giving us the stink eye, but it was fun to see him open it. It seemed that all day he was trying with all of his might to open both eyes wide. His eye brows were really going to town. We could see this, because the phototherapy lights were also discontinued today, so he no longer has to wear the glasses.


Each day he looks better and better as more of the tubes and lines are taken away! I love to see him snuggled up like this on his belly. It seems to be one of his favorite positions right now.

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Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Today was another good day. It was fairly uneventful, but good nonetheless. The best part about today is that by the end of the day, Maks was finally completely weaned off the dopamine! That means he gets to start breast milk feedings soon! I was so excited, I had to take a picture of the empty IV pole. :)


The nurse also inserted a PICC line today, and the UAC and UVC lines in his abdomen were discontinued.

Logan went back to work today, but we got to go see Maks in the evening together. Logan even saw him stretch really big for the first time today. It is fun to see him do things like that because it makes him seem more life-like.

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Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Today was a busy day. The morning was crazy as we tried to get everything ready for me to go home. Dr. Leavitt came by and gave me the okay to be discharged. He said my blood tests showed I was anemic, and I have an excessive amount of bruising at and around my incision, but other than that everything looked great. He said I should continue to watch me edema and blood pressure at home because it was still slightly elevated. He also told me that I will likely have issues with Pregnancy-Induced Hypertension with subsequent pregnancies, and that I will always have to have a C-section delivery. I guess due to the issues with and positioning of my bladder, he had to do a vertical incision on my uterus to get the baby out. The only way to have a vaginal delivery after cesarean is if horizontal incisions can be made through all layers of skin, muscle, and uterus.

Dr. Leavitt also called my room later that day with the results of the pathology on my placenta. It turns out it had "massive perivillous fibrin deposition" (google it, it is interesting). Pretty much, fibrin was deposited in the tissues of the placenta, which caused necrosis of the tissue and subsequent growth retardation of the fetus. This explains why Maks is the age of a 26 weeker but only the size of a 24 weeker. The placenta also had a tear, but it had no evidence of infection. All of these things make it clear that Maks' best chance for survival is outside of me. Kind of a hard pill to swallow, considering I tried to do everything possible to ensure he had a healthy environment to grow and develop. It stinks to think that it wasn't enough...

On a happier note, I found out today that my insurance was going to cover a really nice breast pump. I don't think I have ever been so excited about something as I was to be getting a Madela pump! It is such a blessing to have a good pump since that is the only way for Maks to get my milk. Yay! :)
Maks also had a good day today! The big, pronged nasal cannula was replaced by a much smaller and less invasive regular nasal cannula. He also got some sweet new shades to protect his eyes from the ultraviolet light that is assisting his liver in conjugating bilirubin. I love this picture of him. I think he looks like a total stud!


The dopamine weaning continued today with more ups and downs. I think by the end of today he was on 3mcg/kg, so we were still seeing progress. The second brain ultrasound was also done today with the same findings as the first. No brain bleeds yet!

I was finally discharged around noon, but Logan and I ended up spending most of the afternoon and evening at my parent' house resting and visiting with my mom and Lindsay.

Milyn was also so excited for mommy to be home. All she kept saying was "mommy hold you." She sat by me for quite a while watching The Lorax. It was a sweet change, considering she usually won't sit by me for more than a few seconds at a time.


We headed back up to the hospital that night to see Maks before finally heading home. Logan and I enjoyed some quiet time with Maks, and then Logan gave him his first Priesthood blessing. It was such a tender moment as Logan reached in the incubator and placed his hands on Maks' tiny toes to give him a blessing.

Coming home to our new house was so relieving. After Maks was born, I definitely started second guessing our decision to buy a house. With the extra expenses we will have with Maks, and all of the new stresses, I was worried about being a homeowner on top of it all; however, even though we just moved in a month ago, it felt so comfortable and natural as we came home tonight. I am thankful we are here and that we get to bring Maks home here in several months.

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Monday, January 7, 2013

Maks is on a lot of medications. His immature organs are used to mommy doing all the work, and now they are forced to function independently with no placental or maternal support. Dopamine is a medication he is given to help maintain his blood pressure, and more importantly his MAP (mean arterial pressure). An adequate MAP is required to ensure adequate blood flow through the vasculature of the body and to the vital organs. Anyway, as long as Maks is on dopamine, he must be monitored very closely. He also cannot have any breast milk, nor can he be held or agitated. For this reason, he is also being kept sedated with Versed. So the goal was to start weaning him off the dopamine, and this started on Monday. He had lots of ups and downs as the nurses began to titrate down on the medication. He started out on 11mcg/kg, and I believe by the end of Monday he was on 7. It wasn't a huge change, but we were very excited to see that he was tolerating the decrease and that we were seeing progress.

I started getting worked up about Monday before the day even came. This is because of my experience after the birth of Milyn. I remember postpartum day 2 very well because of the huge hormonal change and emotions that I experienced. Monday was day 2 after the birth of Maks. I woke up early for a pain pill and to pump. I made the huge mistake of turning on the television. As I flipped through the channels, I came to TLC, and A Baby Story was on. Although I knew it would be a bad idea to watch this, I watched it anyway. STUPID!! I watched two episodes and bawled through both of them, as I saw their perfectly planned deliveries fall into place. I watched them preparing for the baby at home, packing their suit cases for the hospital, putting their gowns on and taking pictures at the hospital, wheeling into the OR for their nicely scheduled C-sections, receiving encouragement from their husbands, and beaming as their loudly crying newborns were shown to them right after they were delivered. I couldn't help but feel gypped. I was so not prepared for Maks to be here. With Milyn, I counted the weeks and knew exactly how big she was compared to the produce at the grocery store. I knew exactly how far along I was, and I took pregnancy pictures every week. With Maks, I just hadn't followed my pregnancy as closely; I knew I was pregnant, I did everything I could to stay healthy, but I knew the baby was coming, and I didn't feel the need to think about it all the time. Therefore, it is almost as if I hadn't yet accepted the fact that I was pregnant because it simply wasn't soon enough to worry about it. And now I had a tiny baby in the NICU, not a baby wiggling in my belly. It was jut weird. I had a few other breakdown moments throughout the day, but still felt a little in fight or flight mode. I think it will take a little longer for me to process this through than with my first pregnancy/delivery. One of these days the numbness will go away and the reality this whole situation will truly set in. For now, I think I will stick with the numbness.

My sister Lindsay got here on Monday. She was so nice to drive here from Boise to help me with Milyn and to help clean my house and get groceries for when I came home from the hospital. A big thanks to her husband Mark for letting her come and to Mark's parents for going to Boise to help him with his three girls! Lindsay arrived in town and came to the hospital that afternoon to visit. I had a couple of other visitors throughout the day including my good friends Mallory Lords and Nicole Streeper. It was so good to see them, and their visits definitely lifted my mood. Logan also brought Milyn in to see me. I hadn't seen her since we hurried to the hospital on Saturday, and I swear she changed so much in that two days. She just looked so grown up, and all she wanted to do was sit by mommy. I look pretty rough, but I couldn't help but post a picture of that moment.


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Sunday, January 6, 2013

Miracles started happening from the minute Maks was born, and I know it is because of the faith and prayers of family and friends. For example, the water heater that Logan was in the middle of installing when I yelled for him to come to the bathroom, was installed for us by the time Logan got home from the hospital on Saturday night. Some ward members, one of them a plumber, had received news of what happened and got a hold of my parents to get access to our house to finish installing it. Thank you to Jeff Barnard for facilitating that! I know Logan appreciated his warm shower on Sunday morning!
Sunday morning, Maks was also taken off of his ventilator. He was only on it for around 12 hours! He was then put on a bubble CPAP with a pronged nasal cannula to help deliver the oxygen right into his airways. This was a huge accomplishment considering his gestational age.
One of the things the neonatologist told us was very common for these tiny premies is brain bleeds. These occur because the blood vessels in the head are so tiny and fragile. To monitor for these, an ultrasound of the head is performed on day of life 2, 4, 7, and 30. His first one was on Sunday. This is something that I have been very worried about because of the impact the bleeds can have on development. I asked everyone I knew to pray that the ultrasound would come back with no bleeds. We were all so relieved to learn that the results of the ultrasound were "unremarkable" according to the report. So far he had not developed a bleed!
Maks also had his first echocardiogram on Sunday. This was to check for a PDA (patent ductus arteriosus) and other cardiac abnormalities. We were also relieved when these results came back negative
I don't remember very much from Sunday. I think I was still kind of in shock and in pain from the surgery (and I'm sure I was heavily medicated.) I do remember when Bishop Irving and his wife came by that night for a quick visit. The Bishop got pretty emotional when he said that almost every prayer said in church meetings that day included Maks and our family. This was so comforting to hear, especially considering we have only lived in the ward for a few weeks. We are definitely feeling the strength and love from our ward members.
This picture that Logan took is blurry, but it shows Maks with the new CPAP on. If you look closely, you can also see Logan's wedding ring next to Maks. You can see that it would easily slide all the way up his arm. He has the covers over his eyes because they are still fused. I believe today is the day the doctors told us that although his gestational age was 26 weeks, he is actually the size of a 24 weeker. Normally, eyes are opened by 26 weeks.


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Birthday

After I started taking the labetalol, I made Logan check my blood pressure at least 3 times a day with his stethoscope and sphygmomanometer. I was a little paranoid and nervous, especially when it didn't come down quickly like I thought it should. Anyway, on Saturday morning, I was supposed to help my friend Stephanie teach a gymnastics class. Luckily my blood pressure had finally gone down to 112/80, so I felt totally at ease going to gymnastics.

At gymnastics, I stretched with the girls, which felt great. I did a cartwheel to demonstrate hand placement, but it was very slow and non-jarring. I was very careful not to lift or spot any of the girls or do anything too strenuous. I felt good, and I never felt any pain or anything.

About half way through the class, I went to the bathroom. When I stood up, I noticed a small amount of pink discharge. This was weird for me because with both of my pregnancies I had never had any of this. It worried me, but since it wasn't a lot, I kind of brushed it aside for a minute.

At the end of the first class, I went to the bathroom again just to check. This time I noticed some of the blood on my underwear. I started getting more nervous and decided I should call Nicole to ask her opinion. She didn't answer, so I sent her a quick text message. Since I was so worried, I decided I probably shouldn't teach the next class, and I decided to go home. My Aunt Diana works in the women's center at EIRMC, so I thought I would give her a call to ask her opinion. Se didn't answer either. I then decided to just pay the $30 to call the on-call physician, which I knew wouldn't be Dr. Leavitt because he was out of town until Monday. I spoke with Dr. Oldroyd and explained what had been going on that day and the past week. He didn't seem overly concerned about it. He said I should go home and take it easy, put my feet up, and follow up with Dr. Leavitt on Monday. He said if the bleeding got any heavier, that I should go to a labor and delivery to be checked.

So, I did what he said. I went home and put my feet up on the couch and watched tv. Logan was in the middle of changing out our water heater downstairs, and Milyn came into the room with a poopy diaper. I decided to get up and change that and fix her hair for the day.

Since I had been home, I hadn't noticed much bleeding, but when I got up with Milyn, I felt a sudden rush of something. I went to the bathroom to check and found my underwear saturated with blood. I yelled for Logan to come upstairs, and told him, "I think this counts as heavier bleeding." We hurried and got Milyn's things together and took her to Logan's parents, so we could head over to EIRMC.




We got to the hospital and explained to the nurses what had been going on. They said it is always better to be safe, and they took me back to a room to get set up for some tests. They also told me that Dr. Leavitt WAS there, so if needed he would be able to come and check me as well. I was glad to know he was back in town, so I could hear his opinion regarding what had been happening.




The nurse brought us back to this small room and hooked me up to a non-stress test. She also had me get another urine sample to rule out infection. She told me to let her know if I felt anther rush of blood, then she said,"now we just get to kind of wait and see." When I came back from getting the urine sample, I saw a little bit of blood on the bed where I was sitting, but it looked really pale pink, almost watery. I mentioned this to the nurse, because in my head I was wondering what it could be, other than amniotic fluid. She didn't seem overly concerned with this and didn't even bother to check at the time, so once again, I just kind of brushed it aside.

The whole time we were in the room, Logan and I were talking about how they were probably just going to do a few tests and then tell us that they couldn't find anything wrong and to come back if we had more problems. Although we didn't want something to be wrong, we didn't want them to send us home either. I think even Logan knew that something was up, because he kept saying they just couldn't send us home.

The nurse was very nice, but kind of timid, and we could tell she got a little nervous a couple of times looking at the print out of the non-stress test. My blood pressure also remained elevated. She kept saying she was leaving the room to make another phone call to the doctor. Pretty soon she comes in saying the ultrasound technician should be here any minute to check on some things.

The ultrasound was tense as well. I told the tech that I had just had a positive ultrasound on Wednesday and that the only thing slightly abnormal was that my fluid was a little low. I kept looking at the screen and watching things move around and in and out of view. I definitely have an untrained eye, but I could see that the baby wasn't moving. I could see his heart beating, though, so that brought some relief. I could tell he was checking my placenta for a bleed, but I couldn't tell what he was seeing. I then recognized him measuring the fluid, which he seemed to have to repeat a couple of times. While he was doing this, I felt another rush of fluid. I am not sure if the tech recognized this from the screen. We were now 30 minutes into the ultrasound with no fetal movement, and the tech rushed outside to talk to the doctor.

Logan and I were nervous about not seeing the baby react during the ultrasound, and we were just talking about it, when all of a sudden a different nurse comes into the room. She said my nurse, Nancy and the ultrasound tech were talking to Dr. Leavitt, and that we would be delivering our baby that day. WHAT?!! She then said that the doctor would be right in to explain some things and that everything was going to happen really fast. She wasn't kidding. The time was about 3pm. I don't remember much of what was going on in my mind, but I just remember thinking, "this is too soon. 26 weeks is just too soon!"

Dr. Leavitt came in and explained that the baby was in obvious distress and that the best thing for the baby, as wrong as it seemed due to his gestational age, was to deliver him. I then mentioned to him that it probably didn't matter now, but I had had another rush of fluid. He went ahead and checked the fluid anyway and said that my water had clearly broke. He then checked my cervix which had dilated to 2cm and was 75% effaced. He said the baby was breech and that an emergency c-section would be necessary. I never felt any contractions or any pain.

I started bawling, and my parents came in to the room. We explained to them what was going to happen and Logan made some phone calls to his family while I was getting poked and prepped for surgery. I remember a nurse giving me a shot in my butt. While giving it, she said "this is to help develop your baby's lungs." Right, I thought. I'm sure this will have time to make my baby's lungs stronger considering he will be delivered in a half hour.




I was hurriedly wheeled into the cold operating room and put on a cold table while the nurses put the catheter in and Dr. Leavitt made some marks on my abdomen. Dr. Leavitt explained that they were waiting for the neonatologist before they put me under because the longer I am under before the baby gets out, the more exposure he has to the drugs. He then said that it takes about a minute for the baby to be delivered.

The anesthesiologist was Dr. Weber. He was very kind and stopped several times to ask me how I was doing and if I had any questions. I have no idea where Logan was during this time. Pretty soon Dr. Weber put a mask on my face and said I should start to feel really comfortable. Maks was born at 3:26 pm.




I remember waking up in recovery sometime between 5 and 5:30. At that time my parents, in-laws, and Logan were in the room. Dr. Leavitt came in to explain how things went. He said the cord was wrapped twice very tightly around Maks' neck, and if we would have waited even an hour or two longer before coming in, he would not have delivered a living baby. He also said there was a problem with the positioning of my bladder, which was likely the cause of the urinary symptoms I had been having.

The neonatologist, Dr. Anschutz, then came in and explained that Maks had to be worked on for about 30 minutes and that he was now on a ventilator but doing well. He was actively resuscitated for about 9 minutes and had three rounds of epinephrine to get his heart started.

After recovery, I remember being wheeled up to my room on the second floor, but they stopped in the NICU to let me see Maks first. What an emotional thing that was for me. Seeing him lying there so tiny and helpless just made me cry. He was only 1lb 2oz and 11 inches long. I just kept thinking that he still belonged inside of me. At only 26 weeks, I hadn't even gotten the opportunity to bond with him in my belly. I never got to sit with Logan and Milyn and watch with excitement as my belly moved. We never got to talk to him or sing to him. I never got to nest and get his room ready for him. I was not ready to have a baby, emotionally or physically, and yet, there he was, just so little and so helpless. I knew I had a long road of emotional battles ahead.




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The Week Before

The couple of weeks leading up to Maks' birth were interesting. About 3 weeks ago, I started having right flank pain (kidney pain) along with an increased frequency and urgency to urinate. I felt like I was spending all of my time in the bathroom, but I never felt like I was emptying my bladder. I was put on an antibiotic for noted "inflammation" in my urinary tract. The symptoms seemed to subside for about a week, but around New Years Eve I was having worsening symptoms, and I started to notice a decrease in fetal activity along with pitting edema in my legs and swelling in my hands and face. I called my best friend Nicole, who so conveniently works for Dr. Leavitt, my OB, and asked her about the symptoms. She said the office was closed until January 2nd, but that i should drink some sugary juice, lay on my left side, watch my belly closely for activity, and come in when the office was open for a repeat urinalysis. I followed her instructions but only seemed to notice some slight movements in my belly. I told myself I was overreacting, but still asked Logan for a Priesthood blessing to help me feel better and to know what to do.
The next day I went to Dr. Leavitt's office for another urinalysis. When the results came back completely clear, I was worried. I knew something was wrong. I just didn't feel like things were right. I had no idea what, but I honestly felt like I couldn't leave the office until they found SOMETHING wrong with me. So, I asked the medical assistant if she would just check my blood pressure before I left due to the edema I was having. Luckily, at 169/97 it was high enough for her to mention it to the Physician Assistant (Dr. Leavitt was out of the office all week on vacation). I was sent to a room to meet with the PA, and a repeat blood pressure check was done to ensure accuracy of the first. It came back as 179/103!! So something WAS wrong. The PA came in and did a quick physical exam. She recommended I start taking 100mg labetalol twice a day to help decrease the blood pressure. She also ordered an ultrasound to check on fetal activity since a non-stress test at 26 weeks is often too variable.
During the ultrasound, I was relieved to see my baby boy wiggling around so much. The technician questioned the need for the ultrasound more than once, however, saying "this baby has the hiccups," "he is wiggling and sucking his lips," and "sick babies don't look like this." She completed a thorough exam, nonetheless, and typed the report saying, "a single, viable fetus noted on exam." I was a little confused because although I could see the baby moving on the ultrasound screen, I couldn't feel his movements or see my belly moving from the outside. I then decided it was probably just because I was only 26 weeks along, and it was just too soon for that.
Because of the edema and high blood pressure, the PA also ordered a 24-hour urine protein test and CBC and CMP to check kidney and liver function. So, I had to keep my pee in the fridge for 24 hours. Nasty! Luckily we have a spare fridge outside that is currently empty.
That day, my paranoid self started second guessing the blood pressure readings. I started to believe it was a fluke that it was so high, and that it was premature of the PA to prescribe the labetalol without another reading at least 6 hours from the first. So, I called and talked with the PA, and she said to hold off on picking up the prescription and to come in the next morning for one more blood pressure test.
When I got there on Thursday, my swelling had increased, and I had actually gained about 15 pounds since my last weight check a few weeks prior. This was significant to me, considering I only gained a total of 20 lbs with my pregnancy with Milyn. Anyway, the medical assistant took my blood pressure, and it was 175/93. So the PA came in for a chat, and I was to definitely start taking the labetalol. Luckily, the results of the labs had all come back normal; so at this point it didn't appear that the blood pressure had caused any damage. The ultrasound was normal, my labs were normal, and hopefully the medication would help my blood pressure to normalize and all would be well.


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Getting Started

I am finally getting Maks' blog started! We decided this is the best way to keep everyone up to date on his progress. I also decided that this would be a good way for me to keep a journal about his changes and the emotions we experience along the way. Maks is already so very loved, and there are lots of people who are curious about his progress. We appreciate the curiosity, and we especially appreciate the thoughtful prayers on his behalf. We have already seen so many miracles because of the faith of family and friends.
Since lots of people will probably be looking at this blog, I figured I should probably do a short introduction of our family. Logan and I have been married for 4 years. On December 8, 2010 we had our first child, a beautiful and healthy little girl. Milyn is such a talkative and rambunctious 2-year-old, and we love her to pieces!









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