Saturday, January 12, 2013

Don't judge me or think I am crazy. I know this next comment will probably sound weird to a lot of people, but this is how I felt, so I wanted to document it, and maybe there is someone out there who can relate to me. Around 5 am today, I got up to pump. I was tired and in a lot of pain, but I thought to myself, "thank goodness for the pain. At least it is a reminder that something did in fact happen to me." I don't know how to explain it, but this experience has all been so surreal. I feel like I am living in a weird dream, and for some reason, the pain this morning seemed to help ground me and bring me back to reality.

Anyway, on to Maks. His morning started out fairly normal. He was doing okay, but some of his labs were "off," so the doctor wanted to change a few things. They stopped weaning the hydrocortisone and increased his fluids to give his body more time to adjust to life outside of the womb.

All of this seemed okay and not too out-of-the-ordinary to me; however, when Logan and I got back in the evening to help with his cares, things had taken a turn for the worse. His labs were even worse, his calcium was really high, and he hadn't peed all day, so he was starting to swell with fluid. The doctor was worried about all sorts of things, including infection. He ordered another ultrasound of his brain, an echocardiogram, and an x-ray of his abdomen. I was concerned, due to the order for the abdomen x-ray, that they were concerned about necrotizing enterocolitis (NEC), which is very scary and often very deadly for these little preemies. All tube feedings of breast milk were also stopped, he was put on several powerful antibiotics, the dopamine was started again in an attempt to perfuse his kidneys, and he was getting more blood and plasma transfusions. While we were there, the nurses had to lancet his foot several times in an attempt to get a blood sample for more labs. It was very emotional to see his tiny, helpless body and his precious face endure the pain. All I could do was hold his tiny hand and stroke his forehead. I couldn't hold in the tears. I was so scared. All sorts of scenarios ran through my head about what could be wrong and how no matter what it was, there was nothing I could do about it.

Logan and I stayed with him until about 11:30 that night. By the time we left, we knew a few things: his brain ultrasound and echocardiogram had come back normal and unchanged, his abdominal x-ray was also normal, he still had no urinary output, and his labs were still out of whack. Although we were not completely at ease with these findings, Maks was now resting comfortably, and we felt okay to go home and get some sleep so we could come back at least somewhat rested in the morning.

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