Today is Maks' day of life 17. We started seeing a little more progress today. This morning, the Anderson tube was pulled, and he was put on a regular oral gastric tube with breast milk feedings of 1ml every 3 hours. He doesn't have the Anderson tube any more, so he is no longer getting the air suctioned out of his belly. Since he does still have some air trapped in there, the MD ordered glycerine suppositories to be given every 12 hours. This has seemed to help as his belly is quite a bit less distended than yesterday. He completed the course of his antibiotics yesterday, so he is no longer receiving those. The phototherapy lights also got to be turned off today. Yay for being able to see his big beautiful eyes again!
I did not get to hold him today, but I spent a lot of time sitting next to him and holding his hand. I read him a story from the Friend and played a couple of primary songs for him. He enjoyed it for a while, but he seemed to get tired and overstimulated after several minutes. I hate so much that I don't get to carry him to full term. He should be able to listen to me read and sing without getting worn out. I just don't understand why my body wasn't enough for him. It is very difficult to see how some women seem to have no problems getting pregnant and carrying a baby. In fact, I always thought I was one of those women who was blessed with the ability to get pregnant and carry healthy babies. Now I have to worry about the possibility of never having a normal pregnancy again.
I am also worried about always comparing Maksim to Milyn. My only experience with having and raising another child is with Milyn, and she has always been Miss Perfect. I had a scheduled induction at 39 weeks; she was a healthy 7lbs 4oz; she has always been in the perfect percentages for height and weight; she is a healthy eater and never struggled with reflux or constipation; and she talks like crazy and meets physical and intellectual milestones before most of her peers. My entire perception of healthy and normal is going to have to change.
Maks truly is a miracle, and I know he has many more miracles ahead of him, but I have got to prepare myself for the challenges associated with bringing home a micro preemie. I am not enough for him. I wasn't when he was inside of me, and I won't be now that he is outside of me. Instead of me being his source of life, medications and respirators are keeping him alive. I hate medications. I rarely take any, and I see them as an absolute last resort. On the other hand, my newborn son is on a plethora of them that he literally could not live without. I am also an advocate of breast feeding, and it turns out that will not be enough to give him the nutrition and amount of calories he is going to need to catch up to his peers. All of these things are just starting to weigh on me, and I don't like it, and I don't know what to do with these emotions.
I also found out I go back to work on February 18 (the same day I have been summoned for jury duty...) This brings another stressor into the mix. How am I supposed to work full time, take care of a two year old, and visit my baby in the NICU? I am sure I will figure it out, but right now I am really wondering what Heavenly Father was thinking when he assigned this mortal task to me. I shouldn't complain, because I truly am grateful for a great job with benefits and good pay that I can do at home. It's just that when we got pregnant with Maks and bought a house, we expected a normal pregnancy with a healthy full-term baby, and an easy 6 weeks of maternity leave to adjust. Then it would be easy to return to work. Now I will be going back to work while my son is still in the NICU, and when I finally do get to bring him home, I won't have that 6 weeks of maternity leave to adjust. Things are just slightly more complicated than I anticipated...
Apparently I could go on and on because my mind has been doing way too much thinking today. I hope I haven't offended anyone with anything I have said. I struggled with whether or not I should even post these feelings, but I decided it would force me to sort through my emotions and attempt to make some sense of them. I truly am grateful to have Maks here and to witness so many miracles on his behalf. I know everything will work out the way it is supposed to; I guess it is just the unknown that has me scared.
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Oh Shalee, I send lots and lots of hugs. As crazy as it sounds, much of what you've said, I can relate to. For me, the most difficult part of life is realizing that what I've expected to happen and what Heavenly Father is going to let happen are completely different. And it hurts and causes pain, but, it is through these differences that we grow into stronger people.
ReplyDeleteAfter 10 years, it still feels like crap each month my body isn't enough to carry a child, each time I miscarry, etc. I, too, often feel like not enough. I just wanted you to know you aren't alone in that thinking. :)
Also, you are so uniquely qualified for these trials and blessings. Because of your choice to become an RN, you have the medical background to learn and understand the medical reasons for Maks' cares and treatments and needs better than most new mothers of mircro preemies. Just listening to your posts, I can tell. The lingo, way to explain what is happening with him, etc. You also have a job from home, a husband that is in the medical field also, and a perfect big sister (without worries) so you'll be able to focus a bit more on Maks! And, you have so, so, so many people that love you and are praying our hearts out for you, Maks, Milyn, and Logan.
I'm sorry things are so overwhelming right now! You are enough and strong and Heavenly Father will strengthen any doubts or weaknesses.
Shalee, I'm sorry that everything is so overwhelming now! When Ron and I lived in Florida, (30 years ago)our dear friends had a preemie that was just 2 lbs. That many years ago the medical care was different than it is now. Ron will never forget driving an hour and a half away to Gainsville, Florida (which was the only place they could treat a baby that small), to give their tiny boy a blessing. He put the tips of two fingers on his little head and gave him a blessing. The doctors told her parents that his chances of survival were very small. Now he is a healthy, handsome man that you would never guess he had been so tiny and fragile at birth!! It would be nice for you to be able to speed up the clock and get your little Maks home and "normal". I'm glad you can vent on this blog! No one judges you I'm sure! You are brave and courageous!!!! Hang in there sweety!!!!!
ReplyDeleteShalee, just wanted to thank you for doing such a good job at updating this blog. We have been thinking about your family & praying for you ever since Maks was born & it's so nice to read updates on you guys since we are so far away. I'm sorry things are so crazy for you--I can't even imagine your emotions/thoughts/feelings & what you are going through right now. I guess there is really only 1 person who has a perfect understanding of what you're going through & I know that He loves you & your family very much :) And, I would say don't ever worry about writing your feelings & offending people--this is YOUR blog to record your feelings & what's going on. Good luck with everything & I would totally bake you some cookies or brownies or something if I lived closer :(
ReplyDeleteShalee, I love reading your updates. I appreciate your honesty and nobody is judging you. There will be days that you will feel like you got a raw deal. That is normal. What matters is that when all is said and done you know that Heavenly Father is aware of you and your family, has a plan for you and your family and loves you and your family. You are enough for Maks. You are his mommy and you love him. That is exactly what he needs. Nothing that you did brought him here early. You taking the steps by going to the doctor saved his life. I hope that each day brings more peace and that the unknown becomes less frightening. Love you!
ReplyDeleteHang in there Shalee. You have every right to have these emotions and feeling of why this is happening to you? Just remember that Heavenly Father has his hand in everything. Stay strong and do your best. I can't imagine the stress you are feeling of trying to be a good mommy to both of your children while working. I think about your sweet baby and family often.
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